[HOT LIST] Best new patios

Red Crown.

Another summer, another slew of "best patio" lists. I'll let you in on a little secret: these lists don't change much year to year. The Rattlesnake keeps being located on the Detroit River and the Whitney keeps having a garden and the Old Miami keeps having a big-ass lawn with a koi pond.

But this year, things have changed. New places have opened. A LOT of new places. And these places have built patios. Really nice patios. So instead of the same old reminder that the Rattlesnake's patio has a nice view of the Detroit River (and it does! so very nice!), here's a look at the best new patios to pop up just this year (and some as recently as last week).

SIDEBAR: It seems that Corktown is becoming PATIOTOWN.

El Barzon.

#1 El Barzon Southwest Detroit
For years you've loved the food and merely accepted the ambiance, but their new enclosed patio is a thing of real beauty. If you haven't been over there recently, it's time you went back.

#2 Red Crown Grosse Pointe Park
The Grosse Pointes are becoming quite the hotbed of new restaurant activity, with a second location of Luxe recently opened, a new Atwater brewpub in the works, Dave Gilbert's new restaurant Marais getting ready to open, and all of restaurateur Mindy Lopus's new ventures opening this year. The first was Red Crown, a Southern BBQ and comfort food restaurant with an excellent craft cocktail program and an even better patio. Whether its for Sunday brunch or an evening of cocktails, this is a pretty happy place to be.

St. Cece's Pub.

#3 St. Cece's Pub Corktown
There are a few spots in Corktown that could be considered one of the locals' favorite hangouts (Green Dot, Astro, Sugar House), and St. Cece's is among them. Is it the farm-to-table food? The fireplace? The dog-friendliness? The quintessential local neighborhood pub feeling? Whatever the case, get ready to love it even harder with their fab bum-proof patio. You know what I mean.

Griffin Claw beer garden. Photo by Nicole Rupersburg.

#4 Griffin Claw Brewing Company Birmingham
I have a total beer boner for this place despite it being in Birmingham and all of the inherent Birminghamness that implies. (The latest news: Dan Rogers got to rights the Screamin' Pumpkin recipe back - originally his when he was brewing for Michigan Brewing Company - and is now brewing it under the same name at Griffin Claw. AND IT IS THE BEST.) Another thing to love about it is the three-season beer garden.

The Jefferson House. From my iPhone.

#5 The Jefferson House Downtown
The subtlely bum-proof patio at the Jefferson House - featuring a plexiglass partition just high enough to keep Detroit's vagrant population from intruding on your meal, which isn't so much an insensitive comment as something WE ALL FUCKING KNOW HAPPENS - may effectively be located on Jefferson as it becomes the Lodge Freeway service drive, but the design is comfortable and contemporary and the view of the GM Renaissance Center doesn't suck.

Pizzeria Biga Royal Oak.

Honorable mention:
Last year I ran a list of the worst patios in metro Detroit. Because I get really bored with this shit, honestly. So I ripped into Pizzeria Biga Royal Oak and it was kind of a big deal but now we've all moved past it and are friends, but they also made some serious improvements to the patio (including a covered floor and enclosed roof, blocking out a lot of the undesirable sound and preventing the tables and chairs from wobbling, my two biggest bones of contention). While the patio is not NEW new, in that it existed in a form last year, it's new in the sense of being totally redone, and certainly worth a redeeming mention. So, I take that one back. Go check out their patio.

Bubbling under Ottava Via (Corktown), Ashley's Westland (Westland), MotorCity Wine (Corktown), Green Dot Stables (Corktown), Brooklyn Street Local (Corktown) - new concrete poured this year

What did I miss? Leave it in the Facebook comments.

[HOT LIST] Worst patios

Do you ever get sick of all the sunshine being blown up your ass from local media and particularly local blogs with names like "[something-something] DETROIT!" ? So do I. Here is a list of things that are awful.

Every year every media outlet runs the obligatory "best patios" run-down in time for summer. (Here's mine, and mind you that was pre-GLCRC.) There is usual very little variation from year to year or from one glorified PR/ad sales vehicle to the next, and phrases like "hidden gem" and "urban oasis" are used without restraint. But not all patios are good patios, much like not all restaurants are good restaurants. These patios pretty much suck. Here's why.

#1 Pizzeria Biga (Royal Oak)
I love the new Pizzeria Biga building. It's totes gorg, soaring ceilings and all the pretty things owned and designed by the man with the best taste in all of metro Detroit. And then there is that godforsaken patio. Proving once again that just because you can doesn't mean you should, the patio at Pizzeria Biga is the most poorly-situated patio in all of metro Detroit. Flimsy tables wobbling around on artfully broken concrete make your entire meal a balancing act, but the real crime here is that it's RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING RAILROAD TRACKS. Do you know how many times that fucking train goes by during peak dinner hours? Twice on my last visit. Twice I had to completely cease all conversation because that fucking train is, literally, RIGHT NEXT TO YOU and even the loudest of us can't shout over it. And do you know what a train isn't? Short. It isn't short. What should offer some measure of tranquility ends up being as violently jarring as having a picnic in the parking lot behind the 7-Eleven where the EMS vehicles wait for their emergency calls. Love the inside, love the beer selection, love pizza, everything else is lovely, but that patio is the worst.

#2 Majestic Cafe (Midtown)
Alright, so I realize Detroit is in its renaissance and everything is all better and so on an so forth and something-something DETROIT! But there are still things about Detroit that are no different now than they were three years ago back when the dominant narrative was one of a feral dystopic wasteland before the switch was flipped and we all happily hurled ourselves towards the other extreme. What I'm really trying to say is that no one told the housing-challenged about Detroit's renaissance, and they're still out there, shouting at cracks in the sidewalk and using bus stops as waste management facilities. New Yorkers like to talk big about their beggars but rest assured I've yet to find a city in the continental United States with a homeless population as violently aggressive as ours. The "homeless problem" is actually a significant one that only gets addressed when there's a Super Bowl in town and is otherwise ignored in the narrative of nu:Detroit. But for all the happy little hipsters playing house in Midtown, the homeless are still out there, all around us, still quite visible despite our collective efforts to ignore them. And lest this sound like soapboxing, I do it too and the last thing I want to deal with during my $30 bottomless mimosa brunch is the never-ending stream of vagrants angrily demanding money because that's just, like, a bummer man. And while the stark juxtaposition between the privileged colonizers who only look homeless but who have plenty of money for overpriced PBRs and shots of Jamesons and the long-time un-residents who haven't yet been pushed out by them is an anthropologically fascinating thing to witness and probably the closest thing to a true narrative of nu:Detroit, this is why I don't hang out on the Majestic Cafe's sidewalk patio.

#3 The Well (Detroit)
That last one was extra long so I'll keep this short: same as above. Also, as far as patios go, this one is just kind of silly but I have certainly witnessed some interesting things happen on it back when $2 Labatt Blue Light night was the highlight of my week. Yes, that happened.

#4 The Old Shillelagh (Greektown)
Not only is this the most awful place you could possibly be on a Saturday night (and it IS), but to get to their rooftop patio--which in itself isn't bad, aside from the awful people--you have to walk up like 16 flights of stairs. Okay, so you've got a bunch of freshly-made-21-year-olds who came to PARTY IN DETROIT, WOOOOOOOO and they're getting wrecked on Jaeger bombs because that's what newly-minted legals do and they're all partying on the patio because that's what people in Michigan in the summer do, but on top of that they're being made to navigate multiple flights of stairs in their exceptionally inebriated states like shaky foals just learning to walk on still-unstable legs (it takes years to develop proper alcohol legs). The only saving grace for the Old Shillelagh is that most of them won't remember the tumbles they took come the next morning and 21-year-olds still have yet to be fully indoctrinated into our compulsorily litigious society and are too afraid to tell their parents even if they are hurt because they probably weren't supposed to be there in the first place.

#5 BlackFinn (Royal Oak)
This place is the WORST. There is nothing inherently bad about their patio other than the fact that it's theirs. The problem is that the walls are the only thing containing the awfulness of this place and preventing it from breaking through its barriers and inflicting itself upon the rest of the world. The patio, with its garage doors that open into the bar, is a gaping entry into the Hellmouth.

Bubbling under Sneakers Pub (Ferndale), Niki's Pizza (Greektown), Crave Lounge (Dearborn), the Detroiter Bar (Greektown), Woody's (Royal Oak), Dino's Lounge (Ferndale)

 

[HOT LIST] Waterfront dining

Brownies on the Lake. Photo by Nicole Rupersburg.

"Hey look, we're located right on the water, our food sucks but no one cares!" is what almost every waterfront restaurant in metro Detroit has said ever. And admittedly, this list was a little difficult to put together because, well, ^that. But then again, the food is sort of secondary isn't it? Or is it? These places have spec-freaking-tacular waterfront views - and not like, "oh I can see the water from here*" but "my feet are practically dangling in the water from here" - and, refreshingly, they also put some thought into the food so you can have your waterfront restaurant and eat there too. (And it should go without saying that these places tend to be pretty seafood-centric.)

#1 The Rattlesnake Club (Detroit)
I mean, come on.

#2 It's a Matter of Taste (Commerce Twp.)
Amazing. A. Maze. Ing. The place has that European-villa-as-imagined-by-a-Midwesterner look to it but it has precisely that kind of charm too, and the deck! The deck!!! A massive stone deck overhanging Union Lake with an expansive, unspoiled view of the water lit up with old-fashioned gas lamps at night ... they may be "going for" that sort of vibe in a toeing-the-line-of-gimmicky sort of way, but by golly they also nail it. That big, beautiful deck is a sanctuary, and the food doesn't suck. The menu is heavy on steak, seafood and Italianate items and hasn't changed much in the seven or so years since I first discovered the place, but the scallops never did me wrong and I've never met a pork osso buco I didn't like.

#3 Detroit Yacht Club (Belle Isle)
First, become friends with someone who has a membership at the Detroit Yacht Club. Then, go there and go there often. I've been there bunches of times as a glommer-on to someone else's status and as a guest of private events and I will say, I couldn't tell you a thing about the food because every time I've been there I have achieved a distinctive state of being wholly unsober but holy FUN CITY. Belle Isle is rad; Belle Isle at a private club with a massive deck right on the Detroit River is, like, mind-blowing. They serve seafood? Or something? Idk.

#4 Marine City Fish Company (Marine City)
Tucked away in tiny Marine City (Take I-94 to 26 Mile Rd. Turn right. Stay on 26 Mile Rd. until it ends. Turn right.), Marine City Fish Company does what any riverside seafood restaurant should do: really fantastic fresh local fish. They also have a smoker in-house in which they smoke their own ribs, salmon and beef jerky (you can also buy the smoked salmon and jerky to take home). Homemade breads, soups (like the Company Chowder) and hand-breaded all-you-can-eat perch are just a few of the many things that make this place truly a hidden gem. So much so it was worth busting out the "hidden gem" meme. (*Note: Okay, so this is the one exception. The restaurant isn't situated quite exactly ON the river but across the street from it ... still, it was worth including here for the food alone and you can always go walk along the river after your meal.)

#5 River Crab (St. Clair)
It's one of those old fuddy-duddy Joe Muer joints with an old fuddy-duddy seafood and steak menu that more or less echoes the new Joe Muer downtown just without all of the buzz and newfangled fancy decor, but the sprawling riverside patio is phenom and so is the salmon pate.

Bubbling under Sinbad's Restaurant (Detroit), Bobby Mac's Bayside Tavern and Grill (Ira), Captain's Landing (Mt. Clemens), Portofino Restaurant (Wyandotte), Beach Grill (St. Clair Shores), the Quay Street Brewing Co. and Restaurant (Port Huron), Mike's on the Water (St. Clair Shores), Brownies on the Lake (St. Clair Shores), McRae's Big River Grille (Algonac)

 

[HOT LIST] Outdoor drinking (Midtown edition)

The Alley Deck. Photo by Nicole Rupersburg.

This list started out as a more straightforward list of best patios. They I narrowed it down specifically to drinking patios, because dining al fresco and long outdoor drinking sessions are two very different things. Then I realized that two of my top five best outdoor drinking options were in Midtown. So, fine. Midtown - you win this round.

#1 The Old Miami
The beer selection sucks but everything else about this place is fantastic so drink your crappy overpriced beer and bite your tongue like a grown-up.

The Old Miami.

Inside it's an old Vietnam veterans bar filled with war vet paraphernalia ("Miami" actually stands for "Missing in Action Michigan"), and once upon a time (before Detroit became the "Official Cool-Kids Destination") this place was literally just an (crazy) old veterans bar, but now it's pretty regularly crawling with - here's that word again! - hipsters. (And until someone comes up with a better word than "fauxhemian," which as L Magazine points out fails to capture "that (fading) inflection of 'hipster' that actually refers to those individuals who led the way ... the first appropriators," I will continue to use it thusly. Because "first appropriators" is a bit cumbersome and "fascists in wool caps," as recommended by EID's Co-MFIC, just sounds harsh.) Inside there's a fireplace and couches for napping (what? They're for napping!) and it pretty much looks like a frat house's Salvation-Army-sourced living room/flophouse. On any given night there may be a techno show, a rap show, a punk rock show, a burlesque show or any other variety of cultural randomness. But outside! "Urban oasis" is an overused term (hell I've sad THAT enough times for it to be an overused term) but here, it's like opening the cupboard in a C.S. Lewis novel to a whole 'nuther world. Swinging chairs, lawn furniture, a koi pond ... it is glorious. Crappy overpriced beer aside.

#2 Seva
Located in the quiet heart of Midtown's cultural center behind the George N'Namdi Gallery, Seva offers some welcome respite from clamor of the Cass Corridor. They've got a big, beautiful patio with places to lock your bike up, all done up in the same urban chic motif as the interior. It might not have a river view or be surrounded by a garden, but the space itself is pretty and that makes it tranquil enough. They've also got a fantastic selection of craft beers, wines and cocktails - people seem to get so caught up in their vegetarianness that they totally overlook this very important thing. And while we're on the topic, yes it's a vegetarian/vegan restaurant, and it's awesome. You should try it.

#3 Z's Villa
You can skip the food but don't skip the backyard. Z's Villa is sort of hidden in plain sight (located in a house, which is vaguely villa-like), but out back they have a massive patio with a beach volleyball court. A volleyball court! And a horseshoe pit and fire pit too. They offer shuttle service to/from sporting events and also have WiFi, so regardless of your particular needs (recreational, professional, or a mix of both) they've got you covered. And if you don't skip the food, look no further than their pizza, a unique take on the signature Detroit style that tends to get overlooked in almost all discussions of Detroit pizza.

#4 Jumbo's Bar 

Because you see things like this (left). If for no other reason.

This is a straight-up shot-and-beer place, a total divey neighborhood bar that isn't divey in a trendy way, but divey in a divey way. It's a locals joint where everybody seems to know everybody and the staff is sassy and fun. When you want to escape the trappings of trendy dives (and Midtown has its share), head to Jumbo's. Great Internet jukebox, cheap booze, good people (the grizzled regular types), and a small patio but hey, they have one. Where you can possibly see things like this (above).

#5 The Alley Deck
The only problem with the Alley Deck, located on the rooftop of the Majestic Complex, is that if there's a show going on at the Magic Stick you can't get up there without paid admission. The Deck itself is often used as an additional venue space for the whole complex (DJs on Sundays, that sort of thing), but it's also a great place to grab a cheap drink after work (they have great happy hour specials) and enjoy the sunshine without being pan-handled by passersby (an unfortunate reality of sitting on the Majestic's sidewalk patio). And if you are at a show at the Stick, the Deck can be a nice place for a break between sets or during that crappy opening band you had hoped you got there late enough to miss but didn't because bands always go on late there. Amiriteoramirite?

Bubbling under The Whitney, Motor City Brewing Works, Bronx Bar, Traffic Jam and Snug, Honest John's Bar and Grill, Harry's Bar and Grill

[Concentrate] Only in Ann Arbor: Ron's Roadside BBQ

The reviews on Yelp say it best. Between the effusive praises and complaints that their favorite dishes were sold out, folks like Peggy F of Northville describe Ron's Roadside BBQ (a.k.a. Romanoff's Catering) as "hidden off to the side of nowhere and nothing." And that just seems to fuel the passion for a family business that has been an Ann Arbor fixture for almost 40 years but mostly attracts those who are 'in-the-know.'

Roman Philipp started his business as a small catering company in the ‘60s, then built the kitchen that currently houses Romanoff's Catering and Ron's Roadside BBQ in 1973. Roman and his family ran the business for all these decades until he passed away a few years ago. At that time, Roman's son Ron was living in New York and operating his own BBQ restaurant; his father's death prompted him to come home and helm the family business.

To say Ron is an interesting character would be an understatement. He studied at LaVarenne Cooking School in France, worked in high-profile kitchens in Manhattan and the Hamptons, was a chef for the Barefoot Contessa, spent some time out in New York's wine country then decided to open his own BBQ restaurant in upstate New York.

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